Um, sorry i've been not so blabby as of late. Been taking a bit of time digest and figure out what i'm thinking about, aka working and doing not much of anything exciting.
Almost a wk ago, Q and i let our relationship fizzle out. She'd been at times crazily despondent, and though i know she has had difficulties with emotions, i felt like it was difficult for me to put much more energy than i was into the relationship.
After a particularly trying night, she suggested we split up, and i found myself strangely ambivalent about it.
Shame, because she really is great, she could also be someone i don't recognize so well. The person i fell in love with wasn't showing up very often in the last couple months, that's for sure. i felt a bit selfish, but i didn't feel so attached to this new Q.
i have since become a cancellation machine.
After canceling my plane ticket to Japan, i decided to have a trip to Dalian for the xmas long weekend. Originally me and Q were planning to go for NYE, but i decided that it would be better to get the hell out of town sooner rather than later, just to keep myself busy. Then i found out that my friend's going away party is this Saturday. i decided to skip the party, but then had a dream about my friend reiterating that she wanted me to come so i canceled the tix. Then i woke up, and she reiterated that she wanted me to come, so i canceled the tix.
There's a staff xmas eve dinner, but i can't say i ever felt any urge to attend it: especially since the chinese staff bigwigs will be in attendance, and hanging out w/ that gang is NOT the way i want to chill out, even if a few other western staff are there commiserating in their xmas in a strange and distant from family situation.
In fact, i feel a bit blessed in that earlier i was kinda dreading an xmas of killing time, but the few people i know in this city have invited me out to hang out.
On that note, i should say that i feel splitting w/ Q leaves a massive gaping hole in my social life. We did spend a fair bit of time together, but often at the exclusion of hanging out w/ other people. She could be very critical of people, and didn't like some of my friends, or even her own. Not ideal i guess. i kinda like meeting and hanging out w/ people. But now i feel a bit unsure about my life in bj, and the plan to move dntn next year. i think about the millions of people, surrounded by crowds, yet living in awkward desolation. (Thanks, Morrissey).
At any rate, i'm not feeling so christmasy this year, despite showing xmas cartoons to couple classes today, and pissing off students by telling no, we weren't going to have fun; we were gonna take notes on a powerpoint about the Hudson Bay Company and the Canadian Deed of Surrender, and did you know that the HBC is only interested in money, and even at christmas they didn't want to share or have fun, but the Metis wanted to sing christmas carols and have fun, but the HBC said no; if HBC was alway being mean, is that bad? So then at christmas some ghosts came out to scare HBC...
That's my monologue intro to Mickey's Christmas Carol.
So, Merry Christmas, everyone. Haha, you can say that in China, and noone bats an eye.