Pix Up

Ok, i finally got my pix up on Flickr.
That was hassle enough.
Maybe someday i'll figure out the pix thing on Facebook, which i've strangely taken up again. i figger it's forgivable at this moment in my life.

Out of Taipei

Well that was a weird 10 days.


Took me some time to figure out that broke up actually means broke up. Not time apart, not friends with benefits.

Then it was like hey fine, we're broke up.

Then it was like oh how fucking weird and sad, we're broke up.

We talked a lot. All honest and respectful.

We also didn't talk a lot.

Moreso me.

Because i'd lost all inclination to share thoughts, ideas, observations, witticisms, jokes, etc.

At times i could do it, but it sure took a lot of effort.

Largely it felt more honest to say nothing.

i felt bad, 'cause i didn't want to give the silent treatment or anything, but that's pbly what it semed like.

Anyhow, we struggled through time together and time apart. We did some touristy stuff still, met up w/ my aunt and cousin, caught a show (where i was stoked when a band rocked out with Verve/Smashing Pumpkins/Pavement-esque epic guitar jams, and the lead dude wore a My Bloody Valentine tshirt).

We also had plans to check out the hot springs but when the time came i reported to Heather that i was in one of those disgustingly anti-social moods, whereupon she decided to get a massage in the hotel instead. That was a smart choice on her part.

Now we're bk in BJ and spending our 1st night in separate rooms. For a guy w/ zero capacity to have perspective, it feels fine for now.

Don't it?

Nuts and Bolts

Since people seem to be enquiring, i do plan to complete my upcoming 2 yr contract with the BJ school.

That's all.

Up Down Up Down Up Down

This post is just to console readers who thought i was sounding too positive about everything.

Yesterday i woke up cranky and a bit sick. H was on her half of the bed and i felt a real reaction to get away from her.

i took a piss, put on my shoes and went for a long walk. Sat in a park, and had a meditation which ended in sobbing.

Went bk to the room, where H was packing her things (moving to a new hotel). Climbed into bk into bed and lay w/ the sheets over my head so it would be discreet when spasms of tears struck.

We pack out and walk to the new hotel. i hardly say a word, and always avert my face from hers, unable to look at her.

At the new hotel we have to wait 20 min for our room. we sip a beer. i hide behind the visor of my hat the entire time. Tears are intermittent. And i don't know why precisely they come. i'm not thinking of one thing or another. They come. they stop. they start up for a moment. they have a mind (or emotions) of their own.

Shortly afterwards i leave the hotel and kill time wandering around for the day, feeling grumpy and headachey.

Today i feel fine again. Break ups rock.

Thoughts Which Fleetingly Cross My Mind

1. i am very lucky to have such supportive wonderful friends
2. H is also happy i have such supportive wonderful friends
3. i have often comtemplated my good fortune and thought how i would have no right to complain should difficulties arise
4. i really feel that my vipassana course i recently took is halping stay even through this break up
5. i wonderful if being so forgiving encourages people to treat me like a doormat
6. it's not about me
7. i still want H to do what's right for her and to be happy
8. i know she's done her soul-searching and put herself through the wringer
   
9. so far i think i've done a good job at keeping things positive and withholding nonconstructive commentary
10. being rejected still sux, and even though i know it's not true i sometimes feel like my personality is a long list of shortcomings and annoyances
11. i did all i could to make the relationship work, and it wasn't enough
12. i fully understand H's reasons to leave me, and they are just
13. H and i still get on fine, though sometimes it's hard for me to be around her
14. Mostly it's like before but no sex, she says, but i know i'm holding back
    
15. i think H should make more mistakes and take more drugs. She might understand herself better
16. things aren't very weird between us now, so what's the point of dwelling on the future? But i do think about it sometimes
17. i wonder if rebounding would be bad for me
18. Mostly i feel fine. Really. Even if you don't believe me.
    

Vacationing in Taipei

Um, hanging out here w/ the "ex" so far has been ok. But also kind of weird. More details coming out as we hang out more. Some expected, some not. i pbly need a few months to know how i really feel about things.

Took some solo time today, and will likely need more.

Life keeps you guessing. It does that. Really it does.

H makes a comment about it on her own blog here.

Dumped

Didn't see that one coming. Or did i. i felt kinda nervous going bk to BJ wondering how it would be w/ Heza after our summer separation.

And i was shortly informed that our relationship would not continue on where it had left off in June.

A few tears aside, i thought i took it pretty well, though i am sad and rather confused about the year(s) to come, all of which need massive re-envisioning. Many of you know i had planned to be w/ Heza at the ripe age of 85.

Sad to hear that despite our love for each other, she doesn't think it is an ideal match.

Sad that over the summer i had discussed marriage and family with so many Indians and the one major decision of my summer was to try and eradicate the animosity i have demonstrated towards her family, to try and build new relations as if they were my own family.

But also i can understand the frustration she has experienced with me over the last couple years, and it's not fair to either of us if she finds herself unable to forgive me for being me.

Case in point: this morning we went to the BJ airport to head out for our no-longer-romantic holiday. despite arriving plenty early, i lost track of time while sitting alone, and barely made the last call for boarding. Meanwhile H was all stressed out waiting for me. She has enough trouble forgiving herself for her own errors, and i often get held to her standards which doesn't fly so well.

i am definitely still processing what's going on. Kinda lost, kinda lonely, kinda confused, and also kinda ok with everything. Weirdly, i still feel like the universe is sending me messages saying, "it's ok," so that's very much appreciated. Thank-you universe.

Surely there is much strangeness and awkwardness in store for us, so do stay tuned.

I guess this gets filed as "Everyday Life."

Later, India! or Bring On The Guilt

Had a full on finish in bombay before catching my plane out. Very very nice to be able to spend so much time with new and old friends. You may have heard me harp on before about how i meet such awesome people, but it's TRUE. i'm a very lucky boy.

A lot of people have asked me what i think of India/Indians, and this time around i was really struck by people's generosity. SO many people have been SO helpful and SO generous with their time, money, food, and homes. And half the time, it's coming from people who are like WAY lower than me on the economic scale.

"i don't want tourists to have a bad eperience in India," said a young student who refused to let me pay my busfare and rode with me to my destination. Um, does that happen in Canada?

Also, I should make particular mention of Vinit and his family who were super gracious hosts for the end of my trip, and got me totally loaded up on goodies before i split town. I sometimes wonder what i've done to deserve so much from the universe and its creatures.

Well at least i've learned how to graciously accept things and be happy. i seriously didn't know how to before. But now i feel the pressure and responsibility to pass such generosity on. This is the good side of Keeping Up With the Joneses, ain't it?

Push Push, In the ... Rush...?

Sue me if you don't like the post title.

Here's a comment i made to a few Indians. "Love India. Love the people. But don't like all the pushing and shoving on the trains. Well ok, I kinda like it, but not everyday."

Yep, it's worse than Beijing. In rush hour you won't catch your train if you don't get your elbows up. Although last night a friend said, "No I just stand right in front of the door and then everyone behind me pushes me on." Skills, dude. I did catch a train or 2, hanging out the doorway, and it didn't feel too unsafe, but i wouldn't want to pull that shit on a daily basis.

But anyhow, it's WAY more dangerous than BJ. Mainly 'cause the doorways have no doors. Sure i love to stand in the doorway for the great view and breeze like everyone else does, but people DO fall out, and falling out is often fatal. Hell, last night, my friend's wife sent him a eerie txt that a woman in her train car had just fainted and fallen out the door. You may recall my mention of the daily railway casualties. Scary stuff.

And yes, when it's super packed, people will resort to climbing on the roof, and nobody installed the seatbelts up there.

Also, there's rumours of theft on the trains. A nigerian dude told me he's lost 3 cell phones. I always felt pretty safe, but you all know how naive i can be, right?

well, it's easy to bitch about the Bombay transit system, but to keep things in perspective, in India it's one of the best. Frequency is good. Express trains. Lots of buses. I guess it's hard to expect any system to cope with a massively dense population like Bombay's.

The Taj Mirage

After my vipassana course, i unexpectedly had a couple days to kill so i went to Aurangabad to see the Ellora and Ajanta caves. 9 years ago when i came to india, i only had ONE thing on my agenda that i really wanted to do. See the Ajanta caves. But it wasn't in the stars. So this time around i was stoked to catch them. Except that the caves are closed on Mondays. So it wasn't in the stars.

but i did see the Ellora caves (which some say are more impressive). And trust me: pictures can't do the place justice. There's this epic monumental feeling like yr on the set of an Indiana Jones flick. Very powerful to be there.

well for the good ones, anyways. There;s 30 caves, and after 12 or so i was kinda caved out. So no great sadness to miss Ajanta.

Also, as pictured up top, i went to see Bibi Ka Maqbara, the poor man's Taj. A Salman Rushdie essay completely sold me on the need to see the Taj Mahal, but he never mentioned Bibi K M, for good reason. Save your $2.50.

Course #6 Under the Belt

Just finished another Vipassana course this morning. Well, sorta. Technically i dropped out of the 10 day course on day 6, left to see a Dr, then did a part-time course. Had some gut muscle issues, and whipped bk into Bombay to see a Dr, grab some drugs, and then whipped bk in time for the evening discourse.

That's the short version. The long version has some more philosophical flavour to it, which i could pbly handle talking about in person.

Anyhow.

On the one hand, i'm a touch disappointed that i didn't get any big "new" experiences or lessons this course. 75% of the time i do. My head was surprisingly scattered and off on tangents, this course. I don't blame the pot. But on the whole i felt like i did a good job clearing thru sankaras from the past (attachments, aversions, cravings).

But even today, coming out of 10 days of purification, i've still got way more negativity in my head than i'd like. For now, i'll chalk it up to sleep dep and crankiness.

You Do the Litterbug (snap snap snap)

Put aside the fact that the western world throws tonnes of carbon emissions into the planet's air.

Put aside the fact that we have happily and intentionally sunk tonnes of toxic waste into the bottoms of the oceans.

Put aside the fact that we have done the same unintentionally also.

Put aside the fact that we send so much toxic ewaste to 3rd world countries for "recycling."

Put aside the fact that because we produce more garbage than we can deal with we often ship it to our 3rd world friends homes.

But.

Shit, does it ever bug me here in India and in China to see people throwing their gupta wrappers into the gutter, styrofoam plates out the train windows, and chopstick wrappers on the sidewalk.

What, you people got no ethics?