Increased Communications, Maybe

i would like to request your skype IDs. If you have a skype ID. i might start using skype. i want to, in fact. But i need contacts 1st, i think. So you can contact me. Or i can contact you. And that could be nice, if the mood is just perfect. And neither one of us is sleeping.

Friends without Benefits

Over dinner, my friend (w/ benefits) mentioned that her mom is coming to China in summer, and proposed that we could all do some travelling together. Which compelled me to disclose that i was planning to tell her next wkend that friends (w/ benefits) should probably just be friends. Next wkend, and not now, because next wkend is the May Day long wkend and we've got train tix to Xi'an province, and plans to catch the tail end of a music fest in the BJ outskirts.

We both use each other, but in different ways. I'm not so big on solo time these days, so I do my best to keep myself busy. And J always invites me out to art openings, parties, dinners, and trips out of the city.

Sometimes i can see her getting emotionally attached to me, so i want to be clear about things. She feels that if we have a good time together, enjoy similar activities and tastes, and the sex is good, that why wouldn't we be together?

But i know that if i want to be a friend, and i really really do, then of course, i shouldn't use or hurt her, and the more time we spend together, the stronger the emotinal connection becomes. On her part. Because as i may have mentioned before, i don't feel much love connection with her.

Anyhow, i asked if knowing my intentions to back up our relationship a bit makes her want to stop things right away. But she said, no, we can go to Xi'an, have a good time, and then break afterwards. Which is, i must say, ideal. And i think it shows how cool she is. The whole conversation was strangely casual, over bites of veggie version shake and bake chicken, and she concurred that this seems to be the best decision.

i feel kinda weird about life solo again. i will attempt to stop meeting hot women for a while, and maybe to meet more boys, and maybe to do more solo activities. We'll see how that all goes.

Just in time for 4.twenty.

After an achingly long separation from my lover/friend/demon/therapist, that special lung-cancer inducing, mind-shifting cigarette, i finally got connected. Admittedly it was kind of a shady transaction, with high speed pass offs in darkly lit street, but i've gathered that that's sorta the norm in these parts. So much for the wholesome days of buying from my ex-gf over a cup of herbal tea, she being hookt up by her dad, with a personal guarantee that the hell's angels had never touched the stuff.

But taking into account any embedded bad karma, i was quite happy with the... taste. To indulge, me and my friend had gone to the Temple of Heaven for the day, which was fine, but the place was rammed with tourists. Luckily, it dawned upon us that a rented paddle boat is the perfect place for a mellow semi-secluded spot to ... relax. Although oddly enough, a family did a high speed crash into us mere moments after sparking.

Since getting connected i'd surprisingly started partaking daily. Which seems great in the sense that i've been enjoying my walks and jogs and bike rides and movies immensely. i've been eating tons, which is good to help me acquire another pound or 2. And i've been smoking more cigarettes and rather enjoying them.

Also on the downside... have you ever heard that the stuff makes you... stupid? Example: on the bus with my friend, (70% of the time we talk English, 20% of the time we talk French, and 10% of the time we talk Chinese) i was a bit... (drunk), and i was talking to her about my past experience with alleged... (alcohol), not caring about other passengers since no one could understand me, until my friend, with a worried expression, informed me that i was in fact talking CHINESE and was thus comprehensible to any interested ears. Duh. Then i felt weird about this one staring guy, and had to ditch the bus.

Another example... last night while jogging home with a litre of yogurt in one hand and pack of msg-laden Pringles (and man, i like never eat that shit), i tripped on the sidewalk, got thrown to the ground , and (i can only presume) lost my apartment building key. i took that as a sign that maybe this daily habit isn't in my best interests.

Rats. Too bad, 'cause i admit that as soon as i stepped into the apt this evening, i rather felt like having some. So instead i poured myself a glass of scotch, and reminisced about a crazy long streak of sobriety i had in my 20's... mostly 'cause at the time i just felt like sobriety was the shit.

Although i recall that i would've done a line, if one had been offered to me. Funny that.

Swinging

Apparently if you go to a jazz big band swing concert and you wear a fedora, all the women will wrongfully assume that you know the slightest thing about swing dancing.

Still, the 20 piece band, and guest vocalists were fantastic, and by the end of the night i had actually remembered a few moves from gym class 20 years ago. And my friend had picked up enough to keep up with me, though she's definitely not used to being "led", haha.

Interesting event, called Great Wall Swing Out. The next morning a whole crew and the band went out to dance on the wall. A lot of people from Shanghai and Hong Kong had come out to dance. Mostly beautiful women, incidentally. (isn't that what they always say about dance groups/class?) Anyhow, it's a nice change of pace to just stand around, and to be asked to dance by gorgeous strangers. Even if a number of them withdrew their request after hearing, "Sure... but i don't actually know what to do..."

Exhibition

You may recognize my bony legs in the picture above. Unfortunately, this exhibition is in Guilin, so i am unable to attend.

Anyhow, if you're interested, some of the pix from the photoshoot way back when are on the photographer's flickr site. Mostly on pg 4 now, i think.

In fact, there's nothing that particularly shows its me, and though pix may be suggestive they're not particularly explicit.

I may pose a bit for another friend tonight, but more for fashion photography. She said something about big brand names. "But i don't have any brand name clothes. I hate brand names." "It's supposed to be ironic." "Hahaha, ok, fine then." But still. i don't have anything brand name.

The hotel




Pingyao is where they shot the movie Raise the Red Lantern, a good flick if you ever want to be convinced of how gossipy and backstabbing life can be when you're married to a rich but absent dude alongside of his three other wives. The setting is beautiful, and inside the walled city of Pingyao, the place just reeks of a time almost long lost.

It's a town that was once the afluent financial capital of China, where banks first got rolling. Then it fell off the tracks, fell out of favour and basically missed Modernization. Now it has discovered tourism.

J invited me on the trip, and we had a really fabulous time, like really we lucked out in numerous numerous ways, so it really felt like the stars were working with us. And we really enjoyed each others' company. Though i did notice i was averting my gaze whenever J got the puppy dog eyes thing going on me.

In many ways she and i seem like a good match. She's very adventurous, independent, cultured, intelligent, sexy, and a bit crazy (in the good way). On the down side, she's not an environmental fanatic like i am, and though i never mentioned it, i was always kinda uncomfortable with her long, torrential, boiling hot showers; and the disposable plastic cups she would use at home to avoid doing dishes.

But actually that's small potatoes, because really my heart just didn't feel so connected to her. Which i had been open about since the beginning. this came into focus not so long ago after spending an evening with J, and then the next day i met my friend (the too innocent one who had a a few dates with in winter) and felt like everything was... lighter, more alive. Too bad, 'cause even though she's really great, i shouldn't be interested in her either, since that idea already mutually got nixed.

Anyhow, shortly after our return to Beijing J called me to let me know about the deepening feelings she was experiencing. She said some really lovely things about me, but i wasn't able to reciprocate the underlying emotions. it was a rather awkward conversation with large gaps of silence. i suspect we'll call it quits, and hopefully reconvene as friends before too long.

Which leaves me... momentarily single. It's weird. i really feel like i'm looking to meet someone still. And most of my friends are single women. And one woman wants me to meet her lady friends.

Also i think that maybe, just maybe, some time spent single could be beneficial for me. But realistically i don't know if that's going to happen. Opinions, anyone?

So anyhow, maybe i'll just blindly wander into various scenes of BJ a while more and see if i can stumble across a soul-mate or perhaps a male friend...

Pingyao Hello

Long wkend.
Heading out of BJ w/ my French friend to see Pingyao and area for a couple days. Good just to have a change of pace. And not a minute too soon. Work is fine. But i generally don't feel like doing it.

More later.